tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC September 8, 2017 11:40pm-12:42am EDT
let's kick it to "jimmy kimmel live." make us laugh, jimmy. i'm jeff skversky. see you next week. ♪ ♪ ♪ happy birthday to you ky: fro "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- christian slater. from "curb your enthusiasm," richard lewis. "this week in unnecessary censorship". and music from jack johnson. and now, before i forget, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
>> jimmy: i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. it's too much now. for those of you watching us right now from areas affected or potentially affected by the hurricanes, we hope you're safe. we wish you well. you should probably put the weather channel on right now instead of this. [ laughter ] it's always weird when all hell is breaking loose in one part of the country and whefrls it's just a normal day. like in new york right now while people are abandoning their homes and jamming the freeways to get out of florida in new york they're having fashion week. [ laughter ] tall beautiful women walking around in outfits. i will say new york is a dangerous place for models. you know, last year one of them slipped through a subway grate and disappeared. [ laughter ] it was like -- like "it" but without a balloon. [ laughter ] anyone going to see that "it" this weekend? they say it's going to be a big movie. they're expecting it to open at $100 million. "it" is about a clown that
cannibalizes children. it's funny that that's what we want to see. [ laughter ] a clown that eats kids? i'll get the keys. we'll go. "it" is based on the best-selling stephen king novel, which is the second most successful book about a sewer clown since "the art of the deal." [ cheers and applause ] people love to get scared. and it does look scary. look at this. ♪ >> when you're a kid, the monsters see you as weaker. you don't even know they're getting closer. >> hi, georgie. do you need tech support? >> yes, please. >> here's my number. i wrote it on your boat. >> my grandfather thinks this town is cursed, that all the bad things that happen in this town are because of one thing.
>> you just need to reboot. >> an evil thing. >> just hit control alt delete. control alt delete. >> control alt delete! control alt delete! >> i set up your firewall. you forgot to plug it in. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't think that's right. hey, here's -- here's something even scarier than that. equifax. you know the people who keep our credit scores and have access to all our financial information? well, they were hacked. hackers got hold of the personal information from more than 143 million americans. they were able to get credit card numbers, social security numbers, banking information, everything equifax has. who would have ever guessed that a company with the word fax in its name without outdated
security technology? [ laughter ] equifax now, they have a website where you can go to check to see if your data was compromised. all you have to do to find out is enter your last name and your social security number. [ laughter ] for real. that's quite a plan. hey, everybody, you know, your social security number may have been stolen. give us your social security number. we'll let you know if it was. [ laughter ] i only have one request for the hackers. if you do steal my identity, please feed it salami every day. it loves it. [ laughter ] so to make up for potentially ruining your life, equifax is offering free credit monitoring for a year. and rick smith, their ceo, made an apology video. a very awkward apology video to reassure everyone who never agreed to give them their information in the first place that everything's going to be okay. >> on july 29th of this year we discovered that attackers had gained unauthorized access to certain equifax data files. we acted immediately to stop the intrusion. we promptly engaged a
cybersecurity firm which has been conducting -- a comprehensive forensic review to determine the scope of the intrusion. ♪ >> don't worry. all of your delicate financial information is safe with me. and i promise we won't destroy capitalism as we know it. ha, ha, ha, ha. >> ha, ha, ha. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: mr. robot is a good guy. this is interesting. according to the state department, when president trump was in saudi arabia back in may, they gave him a lot of gifts, almost 100 gifts. and they released the list of those gifts this week, and it's crazy. look at some of these gifts. he got a blue and silver wool robe lined with white tiger fur. he got a pair of brown and yellow leather sandals. oh, he'll love those. he got a pair of red and green leather sandals and another pair of red and green leather sandals. i guess for christmas morning with melania at mar-a-lago. they gave trump nine leather
ammo belts and gun holsters and two large wooden boxes filled with cologne bottles. so basically, he got an uber driver starter kit from -- [ laughter ] [ applause ] this is good too. they also gave him a copy of the kuwaiti constitution, which i hate to break it to you, fellas. he's never even read our sf constitution. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] he's definitely not reading yours. meanwhile, president trump's former top adviser steve bannon is speaking out since getting the boot. he salt down with charlie rose and said an interesting thing. he claims he told chris christie after the "access hollywood" tape, you know, when the bus came out, he told him you either get on the plane right now with trump and support him or you're out. christie did not get on the plane. and so he didn't get in the cabinet. and there were cookies in the cabinet. so he was bummed. [ laughter ] but it was a fascinating interview. but what struck me most of all was how much they focused on a
certain former entertainment news reporter. >> billy bush. >> billy bush. >> billy bush. >> billy bush saturday. >> billy bush sunday. >> billy bush weekend. >> you took names on billy bush sunday, didn't you? >> i did. billy bush. >> jimmy: even billy bush hasn't spent that much time thinking about billy bush. [ cheers and applause ] meanwhile, you probably saw this on facebook already, but birthday wishes are in order for north korea. today the democratic people's republic of north korea, which is neither democratic or a republic, but they do have people, turns 69. 69 years ago north korea was formed. they built a big beautiful wall and everything's been great ever since. you see? kim jong un is reportedly planning to commemorate this special day with another missile test. which why can't kim jong un just be normal and celebrate a birthday at chuck e. cheese like every other fat kid with a terrible haircut? [ cheers and applause ] hey, this is good.
do you know antonio cromartie? he's a quarterback. he played for the chargers and the jets, the colts. even more than football, he's very good at making children. this is antonio from the show "hard knocks" back in 2010 listing the names of his kids. >> alonzo, who is 5. i have carris who is 3. i have my junior who is 3. my daughter who just turned 3 as of yesterday. i have another son named tyler. he turns 3 in december. i've got another daughter that was born october 16th named london. another daughter that was born named leilani who's 2 years old. and i have my newborn with my wife. her name is jersey. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. so that was in 2010. at that time he had eight kids. since then he's had six more.
he just became a father again. his 14th child. that's not the funny part. the funny part is this is his third baby since getting a vasectomy. [ laughter ] that's why i say you have to get two vasectomies. just imagine how many kids he would have if he didn't get a vasectomy. [ laughter ] his sperm must be like a million little michael phelps plowing their way through. [ laughter ] so now he and his wife are going to do a reality show, which is what you do i guess when you have 14 kids. i don't know about you, but if i get a vasectomy and my wife still got pregnant i'd be very suspicious. [ laughter ] i would be dialing maury povich's name immediately. you know what? it's friday night, and that means it is time to -- we have a tradition around here. we bleep and we blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> the florida keys are facing
mandatory evacuations now. no [ bleep ]ing around. >> next time you go to north korea can i come with you and [ bleep ] kim jong un? >> we also protect small businesses and family [ bleep ]ers here in north dakota and across the country by ending the [ bleep ] tax. >> i think that's why donald trump and i get along so well, donald trump's a [ bleep ]er. great [ bleep ]er. he's a [ bleep ]er. >> i miss him so much. >> he'll go home, [ bleep ] his dog. >> i'm ready to go home. >> if you want to play, text the word [ bleep ] to 515151. >> in order to get 68 votes in the senate i swallowed [ bleep ]. >> [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. i was taught as a young girl. yeah. >> yeah. >> that's good. >> although i haven't [ bleep ] in a while. >> the race will have people going through the sand up the hills. >> [ bleep ]. >> all right. thank you very much. take a look at this great big [ bleep ] in new york harbor.
>> [ bleep ]ing the [ bleep ]. >> that is correct. >> want to get back with the goats. >> the goats are just naturals. >> whoa, whoa, whoa. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. we're going to take a break. when we come back, we conducted a cyber security experiment. we went out on the street, we asked people to give us their passwords. and, well, did they? we'll find out together when we return. we'll be right back. >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by blue buffalo. 60% of women are wearing the wrong size pad and can experience leaks discover always my fit.
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realized that like our audience as a group, some of you have the worst rhythm i've ever seen in a group of human beings. [ laughter ] this guy in the glasses here. i mean -- [ laughter ] i'm going to be keeping my eye on you for the rest of the show because it was an absolute disaster. [ laughter ] yeah. anyway. today, in case you don't know, is international literacy day. which i found out about by looking on my phone. so make sure to read a book before midnight tonight. right, guillermo? guillermo, do you read books? >> guillermo: yeah, every night. >> jimmy: you do? [ laughter ] you mean children's books to your son. >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: i mean just for pleasure, your own pleasure, do you ever sit down and read the a book? >> guillermo: no. just the newspaper. >> jimmy: what children's books do you read to your son? what was the one you read last night? >> guillermo: eight little monkeys. >> jimmy: eight little monkeys. they keep jumping on the bed and they fall off and call the doctor and the doctor says no more. but they don't listen to the
doctor, do? he >> guillermo: no, they don't. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: back to this hack, this equifax hack, i mentioned earlier they may have compromised the information of 143 million americans, which is a lot of americans. so in light of this as a service to the public, we've actually done this before, and it's very effective, we asked people who are passing by our theater today, what password they use to protect their personal information. and pay attention, please, because there are a lot of important tips to be shared here. >> we are talking to people about the cybersecurity breach at equifax. and in light of that, we're asking people how secure their internet passwords are. what do you use for an internet password? >> you know, i usually stick to my last name. that's probably not the best thing to do. but my last name, a few digits. maybe like a hashtag or something. >> how do you spell your last name? >> walker. >> walker? >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> w-a-l-k-e-r? >> yeah. >> and then just a few numbers? >> yeah. i probably shouldn't have told you that. >> and then a hashtag. but numbers like -- what do you
use, like your birthday or something? your area code? >> yeah. usually like my birthday. >> how old are you? >> 21. >> 21. what day were you born? >> november. no. day. sorry. the 29th. >> the 29th of november. >> yeah. >> so walker 112995. >> i probably shouldn't say that but -- >> it's okay. >> yeah. >> how strong is your internet password? >> strong. >> what sort of things do you use? >> capital letters, lower case letters, numbers, characters, everything. >> what's a current password you're using? >> i don't really want to tell the current password that i'm using to be honest. >> you think i'm a hacker? >> not necessarily. well, i mean, i guess, you know, like 63xj9, hat symbol, at symbol basically. all characters. pretty random assortment.
>> you use that one? >> yes. >> thank you. >> what is your internet password you that use for your e-mail? >> in and out 2017. [ laughter ] >> thanks. >> my internet password is capital w at sign t-e-r capital b 0 n-g. water bong. >> yeah, we probably could have guessed that one. >> my internet password. it's okay? >> yeah. >> mila. four words. m-i-l-a. 64. >> well, that's nice. now americans can hack into a russian website. no, that'll be fun. >> so what is your name? >> jerry reed. >> jerry, where are you from? >> whittier, california. >> what do you do out there? besides scare schoolchildren. [ laughter ] >> how strong is your internet password? >> i'd say pretty strong. >> what sort of things do you
use for it? >> you know, things that i like. >> what sorts of things do you like? >> maybe a dog, an animal. a place i've been. someone i know. >> so like rover mental ward. >> yeah. something like that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. jerry. jerry. [ applause ] don't worry. don't worry at all. your secret is very safe with us. okay? >> well, thank you. >> jimmy: okay. just keep this between all of us. >> thanks, jimmy. >> jimmy: you're welcome, jerry. all right. we have a great show for you tonight. we have music from jack johnson. the very funny richard lewis is here. and we'll be right back with christian slater. so stick around. ♪ ♪ so, i was at mom and dad's and found this. cd's, baseball cards... your old magic set? and this wrestling ticket...
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i think he lives in hawaii. they need to clean up this beach. it is a mess. [ laughter ] next week we have a really great week of all new shows next week. larry david, stephen colbert, michael keaton, van jones, nina dobrev, dave salmoni will bring wild animals for us to see. we'll have music from the lone bell lowe, 21 savage and dustin lynch. and former white house press secretary sean spicer will be sitting right here to tell us everything. [ cheers and applause ] everything. no stone will be left unturned. [ laughter ] right. our first guest tonight has been acting professionally for more than four decades, which is a lot of them, on october 11th he returns to the usa network in his golden globe-winning role on "mr. robot." please say hello to christian slater. [ cheers and applause ]
>> how are you? thank you. all right. >> jimmy: after "mr. robot" now it feels weird to see you in a suit. >> this is not my normal attire. no, i know. >> jimmy: what is your normal attire? >> well, my normal attire is pretty much what i wear on "mr. robot." >> jimmy: oh, it is? >> yeah, honestly. flannel shirt, a hat, glasses. >> jimmy: did you wear your own clothes and they said yeah, we like that? >> i walked in and they said hey, this guy looks great, let's do this. yeah. so now it's like i'm walking around the streets of new york and people think i'm in costume. >> jimmy: yeah, right. like fonzie walking around with his jacket or something. >> exactly. this guy can't let it go. he's really into it >> jimmy: "mr. robot" is a great show. >> thanks. >> jimmy: but besides "mr. robot" of the many things -- because you've done so many
things. what do they mention most to you? >> they probably mention "heathers" i think. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's the one? >> i think so, yeah. that one is pretty fun, yeah. >> jimmy: and do you mind that? or do you wish -- >> no. >> jimmy: -- they'd mix it up a little? >> no, i love it. >> jimmy: throw a little "pump up the volume." >> sure. happy with that. a little "true romance." mix it all in. [ applause ] jrmt y >> jimmy: you realize we could do the whole rest of the segment you naming titles you've been in and everybody clapping. >> "gleaming the cube." [ applause ] all right. we'll stop there. >> jimmy: how old were you when you started acting? >> i think i -- yeah, i was 9. >> jimmy: 9 years old. you did like commercials? >> yeah. i was a little -- i made it to theater, but you know, the first few things i did of course were some commercials. life saver commercials. >> jimmy: best commercial you ever did as a kid. >> well, i mean the best one i think that made me really pretty legendary at the age of 12 was
the darth vader collector's case. >> jimmy: we have that commercial. >> no! >> jimmy: we do, yeah. >> wow. >> jimmy: i know it's shocking that -- >> no. how do you find those things? >> jimmy: we went on youtube. [ laughter ] we really went the extra -- we did the extra work. >> research is amazing. >> jimmy: that's why we won a peabody award, you know. let's take a look at that here. >> you know what this is. it's the darth vader collector's case from the "star wars" the empire strikes back collection. >> it's got room for your favorite "star wars" the empire strikes back action figures. >> you can take it with you. >> that's you with that haircut, huh? [ cheers and applause ] it's kind of funny because i know you love like -- don't you own like captain kirk's seat from starship enterprise? >> well, a version of it. i've definitely always been into -- look, i'm a trekkie and a "star wars" guy. >> jimmy: which do you like more? which do you prefer? "star wars" -- >> it's hard to -- i mean, i grew up watching "star trek." that was sort of my first introduction.
watching william shatner as captain kirk. so that was kind of my -- and then look, when "star wars" came out that did of course change everything. >> jimmy: even though you were already an actor, that really made a big impact on you? >> sure. yeah. no, i think for everybody. i mean, those movies, sci-fi. and then i got the opportunity to do a small cameo in "star trek 6" actually. >> jimmy: that was the best one. >> that was the best one. hands downwn. of course. [ applause ] that was amazing. >> jimmy: which one was that, star trek 6? >> that was the undiscovered country. >> jimmy: oh, the undiscovered country. okay. >> they were on a long mission there. >> jimmy: i see. >> but i had to wear one of the uniforms, and i had a scene with sulu. and i put the clothes on, and i looked in the wardrobe. the little tag in there. it said william shatner and worn from "star trek 2." so i was wearing his outfit that he wore in "star trek 2." >> jimmy: they recycled the cast
members' outfits and put it on you? >> put it on me, the lowly ensign. >> jimmy: unbelievable. >> and then i snuck off the paramount lot with it. >> jimmy: i don't blame you. [ applause ] you still have that? >> i still have it, yeah. >> jimmy: does your wife allow to you keep all these toys in your home? >> you know what's funny, she used to. in the first year or so she was so cool about it. and she was helping me pick out like collector's case things and display things. and then we got married. and then all of a sudden like storage units started to sound -- >> jimmy: she helped you pick a storage facility. >> that's it. exactly. >> jimmy: and stuff jut got sent out. >> slowly but surely -- >> jimmy: did you put up a fight or -- >> no. >> jimmy: -- did you know it was time for it to go? >> you surrender. surrender to win is what i say. and actually, i do still -- she allowed me to keep a few choice items. >> jimmy: what do you have still in the house? >> i have a -- i still have this -- i've had it for like 25 years. it's a life-size storm trooper.
>> jimmy: really? >> yeah. that sharper image made. 25 years ago. >> jimmy: where is that located? >> it's located in the dining room. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. >> as we eat. >> jimmy: a room nobody goes in. >> that's right. the room nobody goes in. nobody ever uses. >> jimmy: a very lonely storm trooper in the dining room. >> just standing there with a laser gun. very sad. >> jimmy: when we come back -- we don't have a clip because "mr. robot" is very secretive. but you will tell all about the upcoming season 3 of "mr. robot." >> in the next segment. >> jimmy: christian slater is here. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] this weekend at kohl's
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is christian slater. season 3 of "mr. robot" premieres on october 11th on the usa network. can you tell us anything about it? >> elliott lives. that's one thing i can tell you. everything you thought you knew is completely not true. >> jimmy: is that true? >> to a certain degree. >> jimmy: i hope it's not true. >> to a certain degree. i mean, there are certain things that i was like convinced happened the way exactly that you thought that they happened. then there will be some surprises that caught me by surprise. >> jimmy: interesting. during the commercial break we were talking about "the bachelor," which apparently is a
show you that enjoy. >> right. >> jimmy: and "the bachelorette." >> "bachelor in paradise." >> jimmy: and even "bachelor in paradise." >> yeah, somehow. yeah. i feel like it was all legit, ladies and gentlemen. i started watching that show "unreal." >> jimmy: oh, yeah, the parody. >> the parody of that show. i thought this is a very good show. now i want to check out what they're talking about. >> jimmy: that's a weird way to get into it. >> i sort of went in the back door. jrmt yeah, you sure did. [ laughter ] stop it. >> geez. >> jimmy: he has a golden globe. will you please stop? [ laughter ] so then you got into which show first? "the bachelor" or "the bachelorette"? >> i believe my first season of -- it was "the bachelorette." with jojo. and i think the guy -- well, chad. i just loved chad. [ laughter ] meat-eating monster. i mean, he is amazing, that guy. so i just loved it. >> jimmy: bad chad. yeah. >> bad chad, huh?
>> jimmy: you loved him. >> i thought he was hilarious. he just made me laugh. and then "bachelor in paradise" of course. i got into that. >> jimmy: what do you think of the choice of ar ie wlun dyke jr. to be the new bachelor? >> that's from seasons i've never seen. >> jimmy: do you think you'll ever go back and binge watch all the bachelor relationships from the beginning? from trista and ryan on. >> it's possible. i am very thorough. >> jimmy: i hope your wife watches this with you and you're not just watching it alone. >> no, it's just me. >> jimmy: with the storm trooper. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> yeah. it's just me in the dining room. that's it. yeah. just sitting there, me and my buddy. >> jimmy: what do you think about this chad? well, it sounds like you're having a lot of fun. >> me and chris hardwick. his dark helmet from "spaceballs." >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. congratulations on the big success. [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks so much. >> jimmy: "mr. robot" comes back october 11th on usa.
christian slater, everybody. we'll be right back with richard lewis. [ cheers and applause ] my great granddaughter, you may never know me, but when i look at you, i look back on my life and i know what it was for. so you could have the childhood they said i couldn't have... in the places they said i couldn't go... in the words they said i couldn't speak. how i've imagined your life between my shifts, in my studies, in books and pages; in nights so late i've seen your face in definitions. but what if i struggled and sacrificed and swore i'd succeed, so you could wake up one day with the choice to be anything you wanted? well then, my great granddaughter... it would all be worth it.
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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. jack johnson is on the way. our next guest is one of the funniest people in the world, which seems to make him miserable. but this might cheer him up. he returns to "curb your enthusiasm" october 1st on hbo. please welcome richard lewis. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i'm so excited to have you here. >> don't lie in front of your fans. i brought 300 relatives. the bar mitzvah's about an hour from now. [ laughter ] it's great to see you. >> jimmy: it's great to see you. >> i wore these for the eclipse, and i forgot to take it off.
[ laughter ] i'm a recovering drug addict for 23 years, and sometimes -- i'm addicted to glasses now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you started wearing glasses because you were trying to mask something? >> i was trying to mask the president of the united states. [ laughter ] i'm sorry, i alienated three of you. i apologize. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] here's what happened. i don't care. i'm not going to do politics. i'm going to do on twitter, some guy says you're brilliant -- i'm not trying to be elitist. you're brilliant. you're the favorite. i grew up on you. you're 70 years old. i watched you when i was 12 years old. then i go you know, but this president. you jew bastard son of a bitch. [ laughter ] you've got to be careful. >> jimmy: nowadays, sure. >> this is my first time i've -- this is my billionth show. >> jimmy: it is, yeah. >> and i've never done your show. and i'm not stroking you but you know, we wrote to each other. and i think you're amazing. >> jimmy: oh, that's very nice of you.
[ cheers and applause ] >> no. no. he'll hate that. he'll hate that. but my first tv show, 45 years ago, was with johnny carson. and i'm waiting behind the curtain. not behind the barney's elevator, which i have no idea -- [ laughter ] i got so scared. a guy says stockings, underwear. i didn't know what the hell is going on over there. >> jimmy: we have everything back there. >> was that like a big meeting? let's have an elevator. they get $3,000 a minute for that discussion. >> jimmy: that's right. >> so dig this. i'm waiting behind. it's johnny carson. i'm 24 years old. and rest his soul, poor -- peprd. >> jimmy: jack paar? >> no, george peppard. >> jimmy: from "the a team." >> he had lung cancer. i'm back there crying. and he's talk pg about he has very few weeks to live, he has lung cancer. and then carson says, well, we wish you the best. and then he segued.
and now for the first time on national television -- [ laughter ] i went into the toilet, and away -- they had to get jewish plumbers to get me out of the toilet. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, thank god christian slater's in good health. >> well, he wore glasses too. and he wore a great suit. you know, the spinners used to wear that purple suit. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: the rubber band man. >> the rubber band man. >> jimmy: that's right. >> you can look at this. we're done. >> jimmy: no, we're not done. i have a lot of questions. >> okay, go ahead, shoot. >> jimmy: when we're done with this segment, we may do a whole other segment just on the internet if you want to. >> you know who watches that? four people from syria. [ laughter ] ask me anything you want. >> jimmy: i will. >> i just turned 70. come on. [ cheers and applause ] and i used to have a decent
penis but my balls are so low now it doesn't look as good as it used to. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let me have a look. let's see what's going on there. >> no, i can't. >> jimmy: you can't? >> no. because i have a codpiece on like ben-hur. it looks bigger than it should. when i make love to my wife we wear 3-d glasses over the mirror. and i look bigger now because of the glasses. like avatar. i have an "avatar" penis. don't hate me. did i ruin your show? >> jimmy: i'm realizing you have beautiful eyes. and what you've done is you've removed your glasses halfway through the interview and hypnotized me. >> because i felt stupid. here's what happens. you do a show, five people say you're a rock and roll comedian. the other guy goes, what, are you trying to be a big shot? everyone judges you. my family judged me from the womb on. >> jimmy: did they really? >> so then i decided why don't i pick a job where i get judged every day for the rest of my life. [ laughter ] how stupid is that? you're a great crowd, but thank
you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you say your family judged you. who was the most judgmental of all your family members? >> i would say practically everybody. >> jimmy: really? >> yes. >> jimmy: everybody in the whole family? >> well, they wore parliamentary wigs. you know? [ laughter ] and they didn't -- anyone was -- i was the youngest. like way young. my brother was out in the village. you know, he's a writer. my sister eloped when i was 12 and she had four kids before i was 15. my father was never home. and my mother, she -- tough. "the tonight show." i called her from sunset strip. i said this years ago but i have to tell you. >> jimmy: yeah, tell me. >> i said mother, i'm on johnny next thursday. and she said, who else is on? [ laughter ] [ applause ] so what the hell? wtf. then i knew i was screwed. you know.
my wife. i got married. i met my wife at -- i'm not -- look, i've been around. so i know all -- it's surreal. i'm just a regular guy. but i used to -- i'm a rock and roll fanatic. so in college during the late '60s. so all of a sudden i'm friends with all these people. ringo starr's a good buddy of mine. i met him, my wife at a party. >> jimmy: that's a good pal to have. >> ringo? >> jimmy: yeah. i mean, really. he's a beatle. >> he's a great guy. and he helped me with my sobriety. and he's a great guy. so he -- my wife was at the party. she was in the record business. so i knew a lot of these guys. but i didn't know all of them. like you know, the eagles. all these big rock stars were there. so i see this guy who owed me a big favor. i go, listen, is that woman, is she single or not? i have to know now. i fell in love. i was smitten immediately. so i said you better find out or i'm never going to help you again. and he says she's single. so i went over to her and i never stopped seeing her. 20 years later. it's great. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's beautiful. i thought you were going to make
a joke out of it. >> well, no. she's very cynical and very funny. and i remember i was doing a show, a benefit for mort sahl. you know, he's one of the great legendary guys of all time. [ applause ] so we're driving, mort -- this is years ago. mort had four blonds sitting with him. and you know, look, you get older, we're intimate, but you know, my back, my ass, my neck, my ears. sometimes the doctor says you want to have intercourse or a career? that was a sad thing. >> jimmy: the doctor said that to you? >> yes. intercourse or a career. so he says if you have intercourse you have to only lie on your back. and my wife says only on your back? you were so great. and i had a prescription. richard can only lie on his back. [ laughter ] so we made a deal. my wife has her own business. okay? >> jimmy: okay . >> so she says if you only lie on your back i can be on the telephone while we're having intercourse.
so she's very hip. so we're doing this mort sahl thing. i know we have to end soon. this is ridiculous. >> jimmy: we're going to do another segment for the syrians. >> so i see mort, we're driving home, i go do you think mort still -- not mort. do you think -- oh, hugh hefner was sitting there with the five blonds. do you think he still screws? and my wife said no, no. what do you mean no? it's hugh hefner. and here's what she said. they probably -- and if i get bleeped i don't care. it was so hip. she says, they probably just play with his pecker and feed him grapes. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: that would be a hell of a title. >> so i'm driving. i'm driving, and i almost killed 900 people driving home. and i said to my wife, who needs grapes? i could eat grapes. if my wife played with my pecker every night, i wouldn't be here. i'll tell you that. i've got to go. i know. he's -- >> jimmy: "curb your enthusiasm" returns october 1st, hbo. >> october 1st.
>> jimmy: jack johnson -- [ cheers and applause ] but let's do one more. we'll do one more. we'll do one -- we've never done this, but we'll do one special segment. we'll put it on youtube. nobody even watches television anymore. all they watch is the internet. all right? so we'll be right back with jack johnson, but we'll also be back with richard lewis. [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. your baby's chubby little hand latches onto your finger so hard,
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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: well, thank you very much to christian slater and richard lewis. apologies to matt damon. we did run out of time for him. "nightline" is next. but first, his new album "all the light aabove it too" is out today. here with the song "my mind is for sale," jack johnson! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ well i heard the blinker's on i heard we're changing lanes i heard he needs more space ♪ ♪ i heard that six or seven words he likes to use are always in bad taste ♪ ♪ and i heard that monday's just a word we say every seven times around and then we pin the tail ♪ ♪ on tuesday strings go up and down ♪ ♪ and the elephant in the room begins to dance the ♪ ♪ cameras zoom into his mouth begins to move those hateful words he uses i don't care for your ♪ ♪ paranoid us against them fearful kind of walls ♪ ♪ i don't care for your careless
me first gimme gimme appetite at all ♪ ♪ ♪ and all the real estate in my mind is for sale it's all been subdivided ♪ ♪ divided into reasons why my two opposing thoughts at once are just fine and the residue from the ♪ ♪ price tag on the tip of my tongue words don't come they go how many likes ♪ ♪ i gotta get before i know the truth and the truth is season three will be a ♪ ♪ great reason to forget
all about reality's a slippery slope watch the tv ♪ ♪ scream and shout it i don't care for your paranoid us against them fearful ♪ ♪ kind of walls i don't care for your careless me first gimme gimme ♪ ♪ appetite at all ♪ ♪ ♪ i heard the blinker's on ♪ i heard we're changing lanes ♪ i heard we need more space i heard that six or seven words are in bad taste ♪ ♪ it's absurd to believe
that we might deserve anything as if it's balanced in the end and the good guys always win ♪ ♪ i don't care for your paranoid ♪ ♪ us against them fearful kind of walls i don't care for your careless ♪ ♪ me first gimme gimme appetite with the residue from the price tag ♪ ♪ on those two opposing thoughts in my mind us against them fearful ♪ ♪ kind of walls ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you.
this is "nightline." >> tonight, unstoppable irma. the monster storm flattening entire caribbean islands. >> the entire country has been decimated. >> barreling toward the american coast. now in florida over 5 million asked to evacuate. beaches empty. streets without cars. we're at the miami airport for the last flights out. freeways clogged for hours. gas stations out of fuel. can everyone get out in time? and the warning about these city skyscrapers. plus, campus killing. college party ending in gunshots. one student dead. >> i like saw a puddle of blood next to me. >> police storming the scene, caught on body camera recordings. >> turn